Wounds. We all have wounds. We get these wounds from our circumstances and by how we were treated as children and even as adults. We also have wounds that are passed down generationally.
When my buttons get pushed, or I get triggered, or someone hurts me by what they say or do – often that is my past wounds coming up. I react instead of choosing how I will act because I am reacting to my wounds and not just to what has occurred right now. I am reacting to when this wound was created and all the times it was reinforced and even acting like the age when those wounds were created and reinforced. So, my actions can be way out of proportion to what was said or done currently. What makes it even harder is that the person I am interacting with has their own wounds and can be reacting to their wounds that might be brought up because of what I am doing and saying. It is amazing that any relationship can succeed with all this going on!
But I can turn this around by realizing what is happening. Instead of thinking that the other person is doing this to me, when I get triggered, I can be thankful the other person is showing me a wound that I need to heal. If I heal that wound then the other person can do or say the exact same thing and it will not have any emotional impact on me. I might wonder why they are talking like that or doing that thing but I don’t get hurt or angry. I might wonder if they have a wound in this area.
When people react to each other with their wounds, then issues never really get cleared up. Each person makes judgements that hurt themselves, the other person and their relationship instead of acting in healthy ways.
So how do we heal our wounds? There are many ways. Here are a few things that have worked for me:
- I imagine myself putting the wound (the pain, anger, hurt etc) in my Savior’s hands. If I find I have taken it back, I do it again. Sometimes I have to picture myself crawling into His hands.
- I use guided meditations (melanietoniaevans.com) that help release my wounds.
- I write down everything or tell God everything I feel to release wounds.
- I have a book (Feelings Buried Alive Never Die by Karol Truman) that has a script that helps me release pain, illness or inner wounds.
- Some people write their feelings down and put it into a box they call their god box, to let it go.
Here’s an example: My loved one tells me from across the yard that they can see a wild cat that’s been hanging around lately. It has been keeping its distance but is quite close. They point to where it is. I hurry over because I can’t see it so they can show me. I stand next to them and ask them to point it out again. My loved one tells me I am in the way and why am I right in the way of what they are doing? I walk away hurt and angry. I stew over this behavior and the injustice of it. My thoughts spiral down until I am more hurt and angry, feeling unimportant and rejected. I finally bring it up to talk about it with my loved one more than 24 hours later. I decide my loved one can be mean and I need to be careful. This is really because I have not healed my wounds of feeling unimportant and rejected. My loved one decides I can be too sensitive about many things and they need to be careful. This is really because they have not healed their wounds of being treated unfairly. These decisions affect our relationship going forward.
What I could have done: As soon as I felt hurt and angry I could say to myself “Yay! My loved one has pushed one of my buttons! I have a wound that I need to heal. How am I feeling? I feel rejected and unimportant”. Then I could go inside and work on those wounds of feeling rejected and unimportant until they are healed. (Note: wounds have layers so even though I may heal this layer I may have more to heal in the area of feeling rejected and unimportant in the future.) Next, I could go to my loved one and ask if we could talk for a few minutes (not more than an hour or two after the incident). My loved one is hard of hearing and I would have found out that they did not even hear me ask them to point the cat out to me again. I would have also heard that they were in the middle of a project and moving something and I had come and stood right where they wanted to move it. I would have been able to lovingly tell them that I came over to ask a question not to be in the way. We would have hugged and laughed about the misunderstanding and parted with both of us feeling happy and heard.
The next time something similar happens I would not walk away feeling hurt and angry because I have healed that wound of feeling rejected and unimportant. I could turn to my loved one and say “Did you hear my question?” They would have said “No! Tell me what you said”.
Do you have wounds? Tell me the things you do to heal your wounds in the comments below.
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