Despair

Despair. I have finally reached a bottom – I am so miserable, hurting and unhappy. After listening to my sob tale, my best friend, Ann said to me: “Sounds like your life is unmanageable, out of control and chaotic.” I replied “It sure is!” Ann suggested that I come with her to an Al-anon meeting. Now, Ann had suggested this quite a few times in the past, but I had always politely told her no up to now. I am finally ready to try anything.

When I went to my first meeting, I was wondering what in the world I was doing there. There is nothing wrong with me! Why do I have to go to meetings?! I don’t live with an alcoholic, I don’t belong here! (I conveniently forgot about my alcoholic loved ones.) I went in anyway hoping I would learn something that would “fix” my loved ones and my life – something that would make them loving and kind and not distant. I listened in amazement as person after person talked about themselves and described… me. I had lived so long in isolation and shame and thought that I was the only one who had ever felt this way or had been through these things. I heard “Keep coming back”. I learned that I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it. I learned the serenity prayer and that the only person I can control and change is me.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference”.

I was amazed as I heard people laughing and talking about these things and about themselves. I did not know that I could go through hard things and still be happy. Even from that first meeting, I wanted what these people had. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be able to laugh at myself. I wanted to be healthy and able to learn and grow. For the first time in a long time I felt hope.

Have you ever felt such despair, isolation and loneliness? How have you found relief? Let me know in the comments below.